ASK TERRI #8: Domestic Dictator

 

 

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Hey Folks!  Arnprior here to introduce our Goth Lady TerriKhali’s 8th column with us, and her first on the Official QSS Blog. But most of all, I wanted to drop  in on her turf to assure everyone that we KNOW the following to be a sensitive subject, and such has been discussed thoroughly with the asking person to be sure that she WANTS her question to be published online.  

Terri and I both feel that such situations –and their victims- should not be kept in the dark. Our intention is not to prey on our asker’s suffering to boost our readership but to help get her story out there, and do our part in forcing a dialogue and maybe some concrete social actions on the matter. We ARE all of us QSS members and beyond, affected by this one way or another, and no one should have to go through it alone and in silence. 

Our heart goes out to you, dear asker, and we hope that Terri’s column could help you in any away, if only to talk about it. 

 

 From “Stuck”, in Duloc  

Well, you have yourself in quite the predicament, don’t you?
Since you have been with him long enough to have a child by him, I’m guessing at least a few years, so…. you’re not likely to change him any time soon. His leopard spots are too established.
So, in this equation, the only other thing you can change is yourself.
You said that you wont leave him, and that really would have been my first suggestion. But since thats out, how about a short time absence, to visit to family or a friend. Trying that old adage of “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, may allow two things to change.
First off, if he misses you, maybe he’s more likely to be more open to letting you do things without his watchful ever presant eye. (But don’t hold your breath)
Secondly, and most importantly, it might allow you to go back into the relationship with more of a backbone. I mean, he ONLY has the power over you, that you ALLOW him to have.

Think on that one for a second.

Nobody can manipulate you if you don’t ALLOW it. Thats really the bottom line.

If he tells you, for example, (and we all have these friends, and know the scene well),20 min before supers ready to hit the table, that he wants CHICKEN, seeing and KNOWING that you have taken food out of the deep freeze, to make Chilli, (and has smelled it for at least the last hour) and he DEMANDS that he wants chicken, either you cower, apologize for not asking him sooner, and pull out the chicken,
OR
You tell the guy, “Its Chilli night baby, and McDonalds is around the corner if you don’t like it!”

Its what you allow him to do.

After a few years of him bullying you, I bet he’s got it down pat too.
Most guys do it because then CAN. HOWEVER, I have witnesses this type of ape before, and when a chick with coulians stands up to them, they back down faster then you can sneeze, usually with lots of swearing and grumbling, but they DO walk away.
See, its no FUN for them if your not a submissive and crying, shaking in the corner, begging to be forgiven for something that you didn’t even do.

But, I would alert a neighbour with a phone to keep an ear open… or come up with some form of protection. I would NEVER, EVER tell anyone to defend themself with ANY form of wepon, BUT… I happen to know that ANY gun range or supply place stocks and sells MACE (Or most commonly called “Dog/Pepper spray” in Canada) in a nice little leather case, for about $10.00. Even if police WHERE called…. and even in Canada…. when it comes to using this type of defence, you’ll only learn that the police will nod, and ask for the can, (and usualy tell you that you should replace your empty can as soon as possable) but NEVER pursue any charges, if you used it AFTER you where first hit or attacked. The thing is, to use it AFTER you have been attacked or threatened, and your scott free. The police don’t advertise this for OBVIOUS reasons, but, a quick phone call to your local dispatch will confirm this, if you ask them directally: “Can I get charged with using a wepon if I use ‘Dog Spray’ to fight someone off if they ATTACK ME FIRST?” This I also know, FIRST HAND.

There are a huge number of self help groups in most every area, and since you obviously have net access, that opens up to you a bazillion more. You can either change the way you live your life, and do it RIGHT NOW, or you can grow to learn how to cover the emotional and physical bruises this man will cause. If he’s not hitting you now, count yourself lucky, but I wouldn’t be shocked if sooner or latter, it starts.

Now, add a small, defenseless baby into the mix, and your BEGGING for trouble. Babies at the best of time, with two loving and cooperative parents, can be a test of wills for years to come, but with a bullying sack of testosterone around, I’d be scared that one day he’ll come home, and DEMAND quiet while your little one’s teething, or any other such thing, and, well, you don’t need me to tell you the rest…..

If you don’t have the will power to stand up to him for your own well being, DO IT FOR YOUR CHILD!

Please, find your back bone, and change your life NOW….. while you still can.

Terri

 

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